Week 3 - The Father Heart of God with René Laframboise
Week 4 - Relational Wholeness with Living Waters Canada
Hello friends and family! Sorry I didn't do this past Sunday. So here's what's been happening in Vancouver.
Week 3
This week was particularly hard for me. Not only did I lose a friend but it was a topic I had a hard time understanding. Rene, a French Canadian and psychologist, broke the week down into six (6) sessions: Discovering our identity in Christ and developing a healthy love relationship, false concepts, uprooting the false concepts, understanding God's governance, receiving the Father's comfort and affirmation, and to be reconciled with our earthly Fathers and the process of forgiving.
I never knew my biological father and so I projected that onto God. I never saw God as a Father. It just didn't "click". All I've ever had was my mom so the concept of God the Father just didn't "click". I never had a father/daughter relationship like a lot of my friends. All that week, I prayed "God, help me to understand." Towards the end of the week, Rene played a video, A Father's Love Letter (http://www.fathersloveletter.com/) and me, being in such an emotional place, I just sat, watching and listening to the video, and wept. I never received the affirmation a father is suppose to say to their daughter. That I was loved, desired, worthy, beautiful. The video said everything I always wanted and needed to hear.
Since that week, God has been pouring out His love for me like a father should and I've never felt so desired.
Week 4
Since the beginning, if not before I even arrived to Vancouver, I've been praying "God, break me, reshape me, and make me whole while I'm on this honeymoon with You." It's really been my main prayer. But first God wanted me to do one thing. The one thing that's held me back from having a relationship with people and Him. I had to learn to understand. To see people the way He sees them. To see myself the way He sees me. Most importantly though, He wanted me to see my mom the way He sees her. So since week 1, I asked God to reveal that to me. I had to dig up a lot of painful memories. A lot of things that I didn't want to deal with again but I guess that's a part of growing up. To take responsibility for your past and present to have a better future.
A group of staff and interns from Living Waters came to talk us about "relational wholeness" (yeah, I didn't know what that meant at first either.) On the first day, Matt(?) talked to us about the process of sanctification (spiritual growth and maturity. To be made holy). He drew a diagram of what that looks like. Over time, sanctification goes up but it's not easy. There's ups and downs. At certain point in our life, there's a major set back happens, e.g., addiction, and it makes it harder to become "whole". We try to get ourselves back on the sanctification path but it's hard to get back on our feet because we turn from God and try to do things our own way that we finally hit rock bottom, a chasm, and just give up. But thing is, when we reach this point, THAT's when we really experience God. To find God at this point is what God is about. In this "living water", we grow naturally in God. It's where healing and discipleship happens.
Matt went on to talk about acknowledging our needs. Needs can be an emotional need from our parents or acceptance even. When we acknowledge our needs,that's when God comes to us. He affirms us, gives us confidence in ourselves, and a sense of being. Attention and belonging.
All of the Living Waters team told us their testimony. Some dealing with same sex attraction, others with acceptance from others, etc. The "leader", Andrew, talked to us about masks. The masks we create to hide our shame and brokenness. He asked us, "is the appearance of health worth more than health itself." That question really took ahold of me. I wasn't being completely honest with my roomies/other students. I wasn't really being vulnerable with them. I wasn't truly being naked. Andrew gave us a sheet of paper with a picture drawn of a blank head. "For the next 3 mins., draw your mask and on the back, write what you're afraid of people seeing." I looked at the piece of paper for a few seconds, thinking, "how can I draw my brokenness in 3 mins.?" I ended up drawing a smiley face with a tear and on the back I wrote "fear of rejection, fear of people seeing the ugly truth (the internalized anger and frustration), constantly needing encouragement and affirmation from others."
That night, like any good Christian, I prayed about it. "God, make me naked. I lay these fears at your feet for you do not give the spirit of fear. Help me to be vulnerable. Help me work on relationships with people and see them the way You see them." God response? "Help you with relationships? How about starting with the number 1 relationship in your life. Your mom." When God said that, like a movie playing in front of my eyes, I saw my entire life. The way I treated my mom and how I built up a wall of anger between us. He showed me moments when she would cry herself to sleep because of my behaviour. He showed who I was through her eyes. For about an hour, I laid in my bed balling my eyes out "I'm sorry God! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." I was so ashamed of my actions, of my thoughts. After repenting, God spoke again "You do not deserve her and she did not deserve your attitude. You need to stop blaming her for the way you turned out. It wasn't her fault but yours. YOU made your own choices. YOU rebelled. Forgive her." I said, "Okay God. I forgive her. I completely understand now. But Lord, I ask that you forgive me too. I was and am a fool. Forgive me." And in that moment, It was like a massive weight was lifted off my shoulders. I knew God had forgiven me. Mom, it's not your fault.
These last two weeks have been so emotional. I've been crying a lot since the first week of classes (embarrassing ). And it's not because I'm pmsing and "full of emotions". It's because I'm constantly wrapped in the Fathers arms, listening to His heartbeat. He's shown and has told me so many things about myself that didn't want to face and couldn't imagine . I'm crying because He's breaking down the barriers that I've built around myself. I'm crying because I'm finally letting go. I'm crying because God is healing my broken heart.
Week 4 - Relational Wholeness with Living Waters Canada
Hello friends and family! Sorry I didn't do this past Sunday. So here's what's been happening in Vancouver.
Week 3
This week was particularly hard for me. Not only did I lose a friend but it was a topic I had a hard time understanding. Rene, a French Canadian and psychologist, broke the week down into six (6) sessions: Discovering our identity in Christ and developing a healthy love relationship, false concepts, uprooting the false concepts, understanding God's governance, receiving the Father's comfort and affirmation, and to be reconciled with our earthly Fathers and the process of forgiving.
I never knew my biological father and so I projected that onto God. I never saw God as a Father. It just didn't "click". All I've ever had was my mom so the concept of God the Father just didn't "click". I never had a father/daughter relationship like a lot of my friends. All that week, I prayed "God, help me to understand." Towards the end of the week, Rene played a video, A Father's Love Letter (http://www.fathersloveletter.com/) and me, being in such an emotional place, I just sat, watching and listening to the video, and wept. I never received the affirmation a father is suppose to say to their daughter. That I was loved, desired, worthy, beautiful. The video said everything I always wanted and needed to hear.
Since that week, God has been pouring out His love for me like a father should and I've never felt so desired.
Week 4
Since the beginning, if not before I even arrived to Vancouver, I've been praying "God, break me, reshape me, and make me whole while I'm on this honeymoon with You." It's really been my main prayer. But first God wanted me to do one thing. The one thing that's held me back from having a relationship with people and Him. I had to learn to understand. To see people the way He sees them. To see myself the way He sees me. Most importantly though, He wanted me to see my mom the way He sees her. So since week 1, I asked God to reveal that to me. I had to dig up a lot of painful memories. A lot of things that I didn't want to deal with again but I guess that's a part of growing up. To take responsibility for your past and present to have a better future.
A group of staff and interns from Living Waters came to talk us about "relational wholeness" (yeah, I didn't know what that meant at first either.) On the first day, Matt(?) talked to us about the process of sanctification (spiritual growth and maturity. To be made holy). He drew a diagram of what that looks like. Over time, sanctification goes up but it's not easy. There's ups and downs. At certain point in our life, there's a major set back happens, e.g., addiction, and it makes it harder to become "whole". We try to get ourselves back on the sanctification path but it's hard to get back on our feet because we turn from God and try to do things our own way that we finally hit rock bottom, a chasm, and just give up. But thing is, when we reach this point, THAT's when we really experience God. To find God at this point is what God is about. In this "living water", we grow naturally in God. It's where healing and discipleship happens.
Matt went on to talk about acknowledging our needs. Needs can be an emotional need from our parents or acceptance even. When we acknowledge our needs,that's when God comes to us. He affirms us, gives us confidence in ourselves, and a sense of being. Attention and belonging.
All of the Living Waters team told us their testimony. Some dealing with same sex attraction, others with acceptance from others, etc. The "leader", Andrew, talked to us about masks. The masks we create to hide our shame and brokenness. He asked us, "is the appearance of health worth more than health itself." That question really took ahold of me. I wasn't being completely honest with my roomies/other students. I wasn't really being vulnerable with them. I wasn't truly being naked. Andrew gave us a sheet of paper with a picture drawn of a blank head. "For the next 3 mins., draw your mask and on the back, write what you're afraid of people seeing." I looked at the piece of paper for a few seconds, thinking, "how can I draw my brokenness in 3 mins.?" I ended up drawing a smiley face with a tear and on the back I wrote "fear of rejection, fear of people seeing the ugly truth (the internalized anger and frustration), constantly needing encouragement and affirmation from others."
That night, like any good Christian, I prayed about it. "God, make me naked. I lay these fears at your feet for you do not give the spirit of fear. Help me to be vulnerable. Help me work on relationships with people and see them the way You see them." God response? "Help you with relationships? How about starting with the number 1 relationship in your life. Your mom." When God said that, like a movie playing in front of my eyes, I saw my entire life. The way I treated my mom and how I built up a wall of anger between us. He showed me moments when she would cry herself to sleep because of my behaviour. He showed who I was through her eyes. For about an hour, I laid in my bed balling my eyes out "I'm sorry God! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." I was so ashamed of my actions, of my thoughts. After repenting, God spoke again "You do not deserve her and she did not deserve your attitude. You need to stop blaming her for the way you turned out. It wasn't her fault but yours. YOU made your own choices. YOU rebelled. Forgive her." I said, "Okay God. I forgive her. I completely understand now. But Lord, I ask that you forgive me too. I was and am a fool. Forgive me." And in that moment, It was like a massive weight was lifted off my shoulders. I knew God had forgiven me. Mom, it's not your fault.
These last two weeks have been so emotional. I've been crying a lot since the first week of classes (embarrassing ). And it's not because I'm pmsing and "full of emotions". It's because I'm constantly wrapped in the Fathers arms, listening to His heartbeat. He's shown and has told me so many things about myself that didn't want to face and couldn't imagine . I'm crying because He's breaking down the barriers that I've built around myself. I'm crying because I'm finally letting go. I'm crying because God is healing my broken heart.
"You're my child, I always desire good for you.
I am always the same. You can rely on me. I won't let you down.
I know what I'm doing-- trust me. You may not see it but I see the big picture.
I'm with you in your pain and struggle. I care. I won't leave you.
I love who you are and am fully committed to walking with you in your journey."
Love, YOUR dad, Almighty God
* I will be posting another update soon about this past week (Oct. 20-24) and a little suprise ;).*
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